raw honesty

Robb and I want to thank the many of you who have reached out to us and the many more who continue to pray for us. Many have also asked how we are doing and, oddly enough, that's a tough question to answer. I really don't know. Here is what I do know: God is good all the time, He does not make mistakes nor does He let His people who follow after Him wholeheartedly make critical errors in whopper decisions. I also know that God has provided us a home, our day to day needs (and then some), and He continues to draw our family closer to Himself and each other. We are grateful. So very, very grateful for our marvelous God who takes care of our needs before we know they exist.

The girls are doing really well, the first week was messy and emotional, but they really do seem like themselves again, their new selves at least. AJ reads every single item in every single isle of the grocery store with great enthusiasm and just can't believe we can get all that wonderful food in one store. She'll use Chinese words randomly in one sentence and then counts her summer math in Afrikaans. Savannah's sense of home is now divided between three countries and aches that she may not visit the other two home countries for a long time if at all. She grieves deeply for memories past but moves on just as quickly. Chloe thinks we are only in America for one year and will then move to another country. She is the most flexible person I know, besides my husband, and I learn a lot from her free spirit. We have three precious hearts to shepherd but I see the Good Shepherd tending their hearts in the sweetest of ways.

Robb is handling all the house details and works tirelessly to help with the girls, listen to my ever mixed emotions, and is taking care of more details that he won't even let me think about as I am so  easily overwhelmed in my transitioning-while-pregnant state. He continues to amaze me with his relentless commitment to take care of me and the girls and the degree to which He depends on The Lord for all things.

As for me, I miss Asia, my heart will always be there. Often Robb and I regret ever leaving Asia, it may haunt us forever. If we could of just done this or that, if we could've just embraced campus ministry, could've would've should've. Yuck. We rest in and trust in God's plans, not ours, but we still ache and praise Him with tears for the privilege to serve there.

When I think of Africa, I want to remember and forget at the same time what we saw and heard and
experienced. So much pain, suffering and violence splashed with hope, joy and giving. Two polar extremes that gnawed at me daily and sucked the life right out of me. I felt too much, I grieved too deeply. My life was an isolated one and I needed help, outlets were minimal. My ministry to my children was shifting and I fought and prayed and fasted to survive what had become a miserable existence. I was unable to process the degree of depravity around me. I felt like the only human, let alone the only missionary who couldn't cope with the depravity around us. I fought the storm and did all I could with the Lord's help to keep my eyes on Jesus, see the hope He was giving people. But no matter how long you keep your eyes on Jesus, the waves still drench you, the wind still zaps your strength. Did He choose not to still the storm, or did I not believe enough? More hauntings.

Some moments I can see God's beautiful tapestry of His plans for us, other times I feel like a total failure. But the more messy I feel, the more I feel at home with the Lord. I have seen a glimpse of my own depravity and I am overwhelmed with both humility and joy that He Has forgiven me. I yearn
with all my heart to continue to follow Him no matter the cost, be it belongings, comfort or
reputation. How grateful I am that I struggle. It keeps me raw, keeps me needy for Him, keeps me in awe of His love for me and makes me tender to enjoy His gifts both great and small.

I thank God for the many who came to Christ in our time overseas. I thank God for the way He touched lives in the states because of our willingness to follow our worthy King around the globe. And I thank God that the 5 of us have seen God at work not only around the world, but especially in the deepest cobwebby corners of our hearts. Remember, dear and precious friends, wherever God leads you, wherever you are, whatever your location or circumstances be, if it is obedience that has got you there--working 9-5, or out of work, or a stay at home mom or whatever "fill in the blank"--you may have hauntings, you may have doubts, you may feel the blah of the mundane, your faith may be challenged, but it is a worthy season if it is God ordained.